Well ladies and gentlemen, I told you all that I would keep this little blog of mine totally honest and uncensored, so here wo go.
We had a down yesterday and the day before that. I had a terrible week; my grandpa died and my favourite resident at the old folk's home where I work also died. The same day. FML.
This is no excuse for how I reacted though, which was through bingeing. (Applause, please.) Good on you, Victo, for haveing a fantastic two weeks and then blowing it all away becuase you were sad. See, the reason I did this is because that's how I cope with emotions. Well, how I used to cope. I end up feeling so so so guilty afterwards and not knowing what to do with myself. I ended up getting myself sick, because I threw up and now I'm having flu like symptoms. Hoorah. Before I go on a binge, I always try and justify it by telling myself things like, What's one day gonna do? You've been good for TWO WEEKS! Oh whatever, just do it.
It's kind of pathetic. This time in particular, I actually had a relatively suicidal thought when I woke up the next morning and realized what I had done to myself. Then I dismissed it and repeated my new mantra (well not really new, but decided to make it my mantra when a fantastic and very dear friend told me that they help): Don't look back, Be strong, Keep going. I've always lived by those words and now I just repeat them whenever I've done something that I regret.
I've found that the best thing to do when you've done something terrible and you just want to die is to be insanely nice and forgiving to yourself. That's the only way you'll get better and make a better choice the next time. You need to be your best friend, not your mom. Don't look back, Be strong, Keep going. I knew this switch to raw-veganism was going to be tough, which is why I'm trying very very hard to forgive myself as fully as possible for this little hiccup. It won't happen again, obviously, because I would not be following my mantra. Keep going does not mean going back to old habits.
Today I'm regenerating and trying not to throw up. I know that I haven't posted in a while, but I needed some time to forgive myself for this small and insignificant setback.
One love,
Victo
352 days to go
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It's good to see you posting again. Thought you just gave up on this. My condolences go out to you and your kin.
ReplyDeleteas for binge-ing, don't worry about it. The point of having (and sticking to) a healthy diet is to get into better eating habits, but it's perfectly alright to spoil yourself every once in a while. Mindlessly following a regimen is as unhealthy psycologically as it is to not following any regimen (what's the point of traveling if you can't stop to smell the flowers?). As long as you know what you're doing, and know what you'll have to do to keep yourself on track after the deviation you'll be fine.
As for forgiving yourself, I could learn a thing or two from you. It seems like I have an olympic gold medal for kicking myself <_<. My mind wanders as the day goes by, and often it will drift off to a time where I commited a faux-pas, or generally acted like a fool. I'll then berate myself, and occasionally I'll catch myself doing it, and try to give myself some incouraging words.I need to figure out a way to stop looking at the past, and start living in the present so I can plan the future.
Stay strong, and don't let that urge to purge get the best of you.
Aaron